Kids Drink the Darndest Things

Our nation’s youth are imbibing cheap, liquid hand sanitizer in order to get drunk. They are not even drinking high-class hand sanitizers like Fancy Dan’s Dukes Cleanser or Liquid Coxcombry. No, our children are drinking the high-gravity malt liquors of hand cleansers. And, we, as a nation, couldn’t be more disappointed in them.

Hand sanitizers are usually about sixty-percent ethyl alcohol (120 proof), and they will, as Samuel Jackson says, get you drunk—and then they will send you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped.

Some young chemists are distilling the alcohol from the hand sanitizers with salt, but a lot of kids are just drinking the sanitizer straight out of the bottle. They are at that age where people have to decide whether they want to be a casual drug user or that homeless guy who stands on the corner and shows his gentials to buses. It’s good to make these life decisions early.

Officials are saying that foam hand sanitizers might be a safer alternative because the alcohol is harder to distill, but come on, officials. Those kids are just going to eat the foam. There are people out there who drink boiled VHS tape to get high. A little tummy ache isn’t going to stop anyone from pigging out on a tube of sweet foamy oblivion.

We all know that it’s hard to be a teenager, and that after a hard day of no one understanding you and being ashamed of your changing body, it’s good to kick back with a cigarette stolen from your mother’s purse and a shot of Germ-X. However, there is no need to go to these extremes to get high. If you live the city, just pay a homeless guy to buy you alcohol. And if you live in rural areas, ditch weed is plentiful and free. Just enjoy.

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About the Author

<p>"Dr." J.P. HuxtaBULL completed several CPR and sewing courses in the former Soviet Union and has received honorary medical degrees from the University of Okoboji, Empire State University and Hudson College. He currently works as a sports physician for various underground fight clubs and lawn dart leagues.</p>